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It's been almost a week since I've posted last. I have had a lot to do and basically I think I am overextended and trying to balance too much on my plate.
For one thing, I have a hard time letting go of the past, past mistakes, and asking for help. So in a weird way I'm perfectionist who is also a fatalist who can be really easily discouraged. It's a self-perpetuating cycle: I don't do things the way I want to, I beat myself up over it, avoid the issues. distract myself to make myself feel better and then don't deal with it until it is huge and seemingly insurmountable. I really don''t want to be able to lay claim to a self-contained hegemony like that.
I wish I were more consistent and I know that it's a cop out to say "I wish" and not do anything about it, but I am sincerly trying, but I feel like I am trying to make up for whatever I didn't do in the past. <-- Probably not the best attitude.
I guess I am harder on myself than I realize and I pretend things are ok until they blow up in my face. I just don't want to burden people.
In terms of the title I was on set from 7:30 AM on Saturday to 4:30 am Sunday morning without napping and I am proud of myself, but I am tired.
God this is turning into a laundry list: I am also having trouble dealing with circumstances that I can't really change. Everyone is busy including myself, but that leaves me with too much isolated time and I am the type of person who thrives being around people I love. While there are extenuating circumstances, that I can't change I am actively reaching out to people and I can't stop looking forward to next year when Nina, Jenn and Liz are back. I miss my girls and I really wish inventors/thegovernment/the public would show enough interest to develop a teleporter. It would make my life so much happier.
So somehow I manage to pick a fight with the boyfriend later that night and neither of us got very much sleep. Over nothing. It was beyond dumb, a little twisted on my part, irrelevant and completely unnecessary.
Resolution that by god better stick: Pick your battles but don't construct them out of good days and thin air.
Semi-imposed solitude is bearable but not my preferred state of being. I wish that the weather would permit me to linger outside for longer than just my trespasses to one destination and back again. But hey last night I engineered a healthy cream of asparagus soup and baked a cake in the company of Ugly Betty. I actually have to monitor the media for my Latinos in the Media class, so no yesterday was not a collosal waste of time. I really enjoy cooking in spite of the dishes I invariably have to do afterwards.
I also went to the gym for the first time in a year... enough time passed to notice that Bloomquist has changed around a bit and we now have freeweights. I figured out a way to download the 4 movies a week I'm supposed to watch onto my Ipod, so I can work out and get homework done.
Goddamn I swear my life is far less pathetic than it sounds.
Two papers and a few small assignments this week and lots of errands and more on the internship search: keep your fingers crossed for PBS!
That doesn't solve anything. So swallowing my pride, I am going to call CAPS and request a counselor evaluation on Monday. I called once today, but I would prefer to talk to a real person rather than leaving a message. I'll probably call on the way to my 10AM class. It helps to have people who care about you enough to tell you what you don't want to hear especially when it hit a nerve.
So thanks for bearing the brunt of my defensiveness and temper. I have troubling asking for help and I think sometimes it's more difficult for me to accept it.
All in all I am definitely feeling better and I'm going to change, brave the weather that's steadily making Evanston resemble a forgotten bowl of soggy cereal and go to the gym.
The tentative plan is gym, shower, library to visit oli and study, lunch sometime along the way, maybe a movie or a party tonight. I am hoping for something more low key.
Drunken improv with Parag or a movie alone seem to be my two best bets tonight.
For many years I have avoided keeping a diary or my chronicling my thoughts in general. Part of it was that I didn't like how the benefit of hindsight distorted my ramblings. In the very beginning I think I feared exposure. Above my other reasons, I didn't want someone else to read whatever my entries happened to linger on. My sister warned me about having a print record of anything incriminating, "Never keep a diary... I called Mommy a bitch in mine and she read it." No further explanation was needed. Here was a neat little excuse to keep my thoughts where they were. Jumbled and fragmented as they were/are, they were still somewhere private when they remained in my head.
I think my fear now stems from re-reading what would be staring back at me from the pages- lines of insanity of my own creation. I am still suspicious of myself and afraid of a self-inflicted-penned injury of sorts. I was and still am ill-prepared for the issues I might just pin down and force into material being. Brilliant. I just wonder what happens after I decide to climb into the rabbit hole that I've avoided all of this time. As much as I like burrows and their furry inhabitants, I hated Alice in Wonderland. I don't want to be that girl who inadvertently gets lost in her own trippy incoherent imagination.
All that aside, by the grace of some imagined change in the atmosphere, the time has come to grant my ramblings passage into the blogosphere.
